I love the mornings when I have nothing to do that day except take the dog for a walk. I’m off work, away from my job of helping people with addictions and mental health issues, and relaxed. A job that, although I love most days, practicing self-care is a much-needed component. I have learned how to not feel guilty doing nothing.
Part of my morning is sitting on the couch in our living room, upright with my legs straight out and usually crossed. My 65-inch Smart TV and cool soundbar are on, and I am relaxed. I do read, but I am a TV person and not ashamed of it. I have favorite shows including certain news shows, one of which I put on as soon as the TV home screen is up and running. And I have my electronics at the ready. My phone to check emails and any messages. And, of course, to do the daily Wordle. I have my laptop to look at things I’m interested in or read reviews of products I’m thinking about buying. I know, I know. Phones, laptops, and Internet searching aren’t supposed to be good for us. But hey. I’m doing all right emotionally and it rarely causes friction between me and my wife. I’ll get back to that in a minute.
I also use my devices to read positive things and listen to upbeat and inspirational music, and I certainly write while listening to music, like now for instance. I have the front door open, and I occasionally look out through the full-view storm door and remind myself how grateful I am to be alive and for how my life turned out. A life that while not perfect, I could not have dreamed of living even in the first several years of my 28 years sober.
I am humbled by the years, not just the sober ones, but all 64 I’ve lived thus far. Time can do that to us because it seems to go by more quickly as we age. So much, that it saddens me at times and fills me with thoughts of retirement. But I use that feeling to live in the moment and feel even more grateful for my life, which brings me to my wife.
I am, truly, grateful to have had her by my side for almost 46 years. She made it through 18 years of my drinking and although I was not a stereotypical alcoholic and didn’t drink every day. I wasn’t happy in life or with myself, which showed in my behavior toward her. I wasn’t physically abusive, but I could be quite mean at times and hurt her with my words. Fortunately, after a sometimes emotionally rocky early recovery and more than a few arguments, I learned to love myself enough to be happy with who I was, and our relationship began to flourish.
It took several more years for me to develop unconditional love for myself and others. Like my 2 adult children for example. A boy and a girl now in their early 40s. Both are married, have great jobs, and have given me 3 beautiful grandchildren each. But family disagreements can be a part of life for some of us even when there’s lots of love. And, as I said, my life isn’t perfect, and I’ll add, neither are we.
Today, I am someone with a severe alcohol use disorder and I know if I ever started drinking again, I would quickly meet 7 of the 11 criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses (DSM 5) to qualify for that diagnosis. I am someone who can be cynical and sarcastic at times. I can feel sad, anxious, or fearful for no reason. And I still have insecurities that crop up. I also know I am not the perfect husband or dad. But I do know I am a good person and not ashamed to call myself an alcoholic or be someone with an alcohol use disorder.
Today, I rarely argue with my wife, or anyone really. But if I do, I make amends as quickly as possible. Today, I am someone who no longer owes an apology for who I was and what I didn’t do right. I apologized enough. I put the time and effort into growing spiritually and as a person and I believe my kids know their father has changed and become a better person over the years.
So, I love my mornings when I have nothing to do that day. I have learned not to feel guilty doing nothing. And I am grateful for the life I have today.